The door is wide open!

I've been looking back over the last year of my life and reflecting a lot. The summer of '05 was an amazing time of being so close to God and understanding so much more about Him and my relationship with Him - it was awesome! Then fall came and at the last minute I got to go to that incredible "Captivating" conference with John and Stasi Eldredge, which was life changing. But that's where it all started - that's where God started doing heart surgery on me to remove a bunch of toxic stuff from my heart and my life and it's been a long, hard and dark journey since then. Thank God that He gave me such a great summer close to Him so that I had enough strength to make it through this dark time - He is so great at stuff like that!

So while I was looking back over my blog the past year, I found this post from March 6 and it gave me chills . . .

"From 6 months ago . . .

QUOTE: And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

. . . something intense and extraordinary has begun to be uncovered in me. I've known for a long time that I've been being pulled to change and risk, but it was more comfortable for me to stay in the "bud" where it feels safe than to believe in myself and risk the pain of failing, being rejected or being criticized for who I am . . . I'm ready to take the risk and LIVE - really live!

I know that I'm at a crossroads right now and HUGE change is going to begin to take place in my life - God has designed so much more for my life and there's so much more He has out there for me. I am not truly being myself - I'm being what everyone else wants me to be and as of this moment, right now, I'm done - I'm truly done. I'M CHOOSING TO BLOSSOM BABY!

I'm choosing to embrace and uncover who God created me to be and I am going to honor him not by DOING, but by BEING . . . just being . . . being myself, being true, being honest, being aware, being in touch with my feelings, and being the beautiful human BEING that he created me to be."

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be out of ministry, not working with high school kids, unemployed and depressed to the point that it was hard to get out of bed in the morning, I would have told you you were crazy! But now I understand that God had to take me there to get me to where He wants me to be (kind of like prying something out of a baby's hand so that you can give it something better that it needs). I realize now that youth ministry was kind of like my "drug of choice" - I used it to numb my own pain and not look at my own stuff that needed to be taken care of, and that was not healthy.

So now my future is wide open and that's pretty exciting! I may end up back in ministry working with kids, but I may not . . . that's the exciting part . . . the door is wide open and there are a million possibilities! I have no idea where He's going to take me, but I know that wherever it is it's going to be amazing - probably not easy - but amazing, and I can't wait!