My step Father-in-law Hank DeValk passed away last Tuesday after suffering from Alzheimers. He was a great man – a gentle and kind man with a quiet dignity, a positive and happy attitude and a laugh that would light up the room. Having him in my life was such a blessing and I’m so grateful for the time we got to spend with him.
Hank and Emma spent the winters in Naples, Florida and every year my family would take a trip down to visit them. You know, you never really know someone until you live with them for a period of time, and I felt like I really got to know Hank during those visits.
Hank would always wake up happy and smiling. He would come out of his bedroom dressed, shaved and looking so sharp for the day. He would come out to the lanai where we would be drinking coffee, whistling all the way. As soon as he would see us he would get a big smile, tell us good morning, then look around outside of his lanai and exclaim “Just Another Day in Paradise”. He would stand there for a little bit and take it all in – the grapefruit and orange trees, the water flowing by in the channel, the groomed palm trees in his yard, the pelicans flying by – he savored and enjoyed it all and that is how he started his day.
I’ve adopted that saying, “Just Another Day in Paradise”, and I have it hanging outside our door at our cottage. It’s just 5 words, but through those 5 little words, Hank taught me a lot . . .
• Choose Paradise - It doesn’t matter what you’re going through or what struggles you have, waking up in the morning and starting your day with a positive and happy attitude can make a big difference in your life and in the lives of people around you. We can choose to live every day like its paradise or like its hell on earth – I choose paradise and hope to spread that around to people.
Hank and Emma spent the winters in Naples, Florida and every year my family would take a trip down to visit them. You know, you never really know someone until you live with them for a period of time, and I felt like I really got to know Hank during those visits.
Hank would always wake up happy and smiling. He would come out of his bedroom dressed, shaved and looking so sharp for the day. He would come out to the lanai where we would be drinking coffee, whistling all the way. As soon as he would see us he would get a big smile, tell us good morning, then look around outside of his lanai and exclaim “Just Another Day in Paradise”. He would stand there for a little bit and take it all in – the grapefruit and orange trees, the water flowing by in the channel, the groomed palm trees in his yard, the pelicans flying by – he savored and enjoyed it all and that is how he started his day.
I’ve adopted that saying, “Just Another Day in Paradise”, and I have it hanging outside our door at our cottage. It’s just 5 words, but through those 5 little words, Hank taught me a lot . . .
• Choose Paradise - It doesn’t matter what you’re going through or what struggles you have, waking up in the morning and starting your day with a positive and happy attitude can make a big difference in your life and in the lives of people around you. We can choose to live every day like its paradise or like its hell on earth – I choose paradise and hope to spread that around to people.
• Stop and Notice -There’s paradise everywhere, all around us, if we would just take the time to look around and notice it. Stop and take time to breathe it in and enjoy all of the beautiful moments that happen every day.
• Your Extreme Self - A teacher that I love, Erwin McManus, says that as we get older we become “extreme versions” of ourselves. Meaning that as we age, our true essence comes out more and more. You’ve seen older people who are bitter and mean, right? That’s an extreme version of who they were when they were younger – there was a little bitterness there, and as they got older it grew until it became extreme. You’ve probably also seen elderly people who are very gentle and kind too, that is an extreme version of what was important to them when they were younger. As Hank’s Alzheimers progressed, there were some symptoms of that terrible disease that were not him. But mostly what oozed out of him was kindness, love and respect. When he was at his worst, he still was so sweet and grateful, always quick to say thank you for whatever it was you were helping him with, even if he didn’t remember your name. One of Hanks last acts of kindness when he was so weak was to rally up enough strength to bring Emma’s hand up to his face and kiss it. I want to be very aware and very careful of what I carry with me as I age. I want my “extreme self” to be extreme with good and loving things, not bitterness or selfishness.
• No Regrets - Hank’s 3 children did not live close to him and there was some concern when he married Emma because his wife of 55 years hadn’t been gone very long (understandable). No one from Hanks side of the family attended the wedding. The first time both families were all together was at his memorial service last Saturday. They had lost 9 years of time and building memories with their father … and not just any years, his final years. I learned a very big lesson from this – I want my friends and family to know how much I love them and value them while they are alive. I don’t want hurt feelings and disagreements to come between us and fester. I don’t ever want there to be regret when it’s time for someone I love to end their journey here on earth. In deep, connected relationships there is pain and risk – but even though it’s hard, I’m going to commit to pushing through the mess, have those tough conversations and work hard to build memories and connect with my loved ones on a deeper level.
• Integrity & Commitment - Hank was the kind of person that if he said he was going to do something or said he would be there, you could count on him. It seems like we have lost this kind of integrity and commitment. Come on people – if someone cares enough to invite you to something, then GO! If you say you’re going to do something, then DO IT! And for heavens sake, if someone takes the time to invite you to something, could we have some manners and at least RESPOND to it instead of ignoring it? Be a person your friends and family can count on. We’re all so wishy-washy, it’s just a shame (myself included). The older generation had such great manners and respect for people. I think it’s time we learn from them and get some of our manners and respect for other people back.
• Happy Hour - I learned the beauty of “Happy Hour” from Hank. When we were in Florida we would always have Happy Hour – a glass of wine (or for him it might be a little scotch on the rocks) and some shrimp cocktail or some kind of snack. What’s valuable about this is not the drinking – we could have had Diet Coke or Iced Tea and it would have been just as good. It was about stopping what was going on for a little while, connecting, telling stories and having fun together. How great would life be if we would put “Happy Hour” into practice more? Again, it’s not about the cocktails, but about doing some thing that makes us happy . . . spending time with people we care about laughing and enjoying each other.
I still have a lot to process through all of this. I’m so grateful for every person that has crossed my path because through them there is always something to learn. Right now I am processing what kind of friend I plan to be and who I want/need to invest in for a deeper relationship. It is so true that in tough times you find out who your friends really are.
Thank you so much to my friends and family who supported us through the last week. Gary and Donna, thank you for being more than friends to Trent and I, you are like family. Uncle Bruce and Dani, thank you for taking time to be there for us, we love you and appreciate you. Debbie, thanks for the phone calls and the offer to help, it meant so much. Thank you Beth and my Mom for checking in on me and making sure we all are doing okay.
Thank you, Hank, for teaching me so much about life in such a short time. I promise I will live every day like it IS another day in paradise, no matter what my circumstances.
2 comments:
Hi Lanette,
Thank you for the very kind words about my Father in Law. Although it was a nice memorial
of him and in the short nine years you knew him he left you with many lessons.
The regret section however was hurtful to us his children and in-laws to say the least.
We are His Family! It felt as if we had all been judged for living our lives the last nine
years and functioning as His family the way we knew how, the way we always have since Mom &
Dad retired.
He was my Father in Law for 41 years. I knew him very well as the gentleman you described
however I knew him with his full capacity of his mind.
It was very heartbreaking to us his children and in-laws when my Mother in Law passed away
after a long illness, that he didn’t memorialize her with a lovely service in a Funeral
Home, like the one he was given. It was hard to watch him struggle those first few months
with tasks he was unprepared to handle by himself. Harder still, was when he told about the
different women he dated so quickly after losing Mom. Then not 6 months after Mom died the
announcement that he was engaged to be married on our 34th Wedding Anniversary, less than
one year after my Mother in Law had died, was almost too much to bare. We were all still
grieving and dealing with the loss of my Mother in Law. I’m an in law and this was
difficult for me to deal with, I know that my husband, brother in law, and sister in law
found it to be much more difficult. And we kept in touch over the phone as we’ve always
done, not often, but enough.
Not going to Dad and Emma’s Wedding was our way of continuing our respect for our Mother.
As far as missing out on the last nine years of Dad’s life, you mentioned we all did not
live close, but you neglected to mention just how far away we all lived from each other and
from Florida or Indiana. From reading your blog it sounds like both your families are close
by in Indiana and you really have never had to deal with either side of your families being
a great distance away – you are very fortunate.
In closing I would like to say, it felt unfair to me for all of us to be judged for missing
out on Dad’s final years as you put it, we handled his new life, and last nine years of his
life the best way we knew how.
I loved my Father in Law too, he left me with those same life lessons you gained from
knowing him only nine years, and so many more that will go unmentioned here. I feel
fortunate to have known him during the first 36 counting my high school years. He started
out to me as Mr. DeValk and then he was Jack’s Father, and finally Dad. My memories of him
go all the way back to 1965.
For my husband, my brother in law, and my sister in law, the memories they have of their Dad
for the past 61-51 years are the memories we all have of our Dad’s, they’re precious. These
memories will carry them to their old age, and they will be passed onto to their children’s
children. This is their Father, the man that raised them, the man that comforted them, the
man that taught them their life’s lessons, and those memories are as strong as they ever
were. To them this was their Daddy, Dad, and Father. Nothing can tarnish those memories.
It was wonderful to be together again and remember some of these memories, listen to Jack,
Jay, and Diana remember those very young childhood memories that are only theirs. There were
no regrets, only Family memories.
This, I’m sure is what Dad would want them to remember, this was his life. His family.
Love Judy
I hope you don't mind that I put a link to this blog on my facebook page. The lessons learned here are very important, and such a blast of reminders for me.
Thank you for sharing.
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